Am I Being Fair?

[julesapple]

Hi All......not been around for a few weeks - I fell out of the attic and down through the stair well, so I'm a bit bashed up but on the mend.

I need some help (and a bit of moral support)

Am I being fair in asking my daughter for money towards her upkeep? She is 22, just signed on to JSA and gets £56 per week. We are also on benefits since I lost my marbles and my depression got top trumps....the BH is now on ESA Support Group because of his disabilities. However, we only get money for ourselves and our 15 year old. Our eldest son is 26 and he still lives at home. He has two part time jobs, gets about £300 a month and pays us £140.

We asked the DD to pay £30 per week. This covers everything, utilities, council tax, food, toiletries and, sometimes, clothes. We take her for job interviews when her bus fares would be prohibitive, we provide paper, stamps and printer peripherals etc etc. We also feed her kakarikis but not the hawk.

She thinks we are being unfair and that she should only pay £15 per week and we should subsidise her for everything else.

Jules

[Thelma Sanders]

She wants £40 a week to spend on clothes make up and phone top ups They make me laugh *shakes head*
She really needs to learn that life is unfair.

You only get enough to support yourself - so why should you continue to subsidise her.

Ask her if she she could live more cheaply, and as comfortably, elsewhere.

I had to do the same thing with my son, so he would learn the cost of things that he was taking for granted.

[julesapple]

Thelma, the air here has been blue. I said exactly that to her.

Her first response was to have a go at my 50 year old husband - why doesn't he get off his fat arris and find a job and then we wouldn't have to ask her for any money at all. Pardon me? We should subsidise you totally? (And in case it slipped your mind your Dad is disabled and beyond working, he can't even care for himself these days, I do that)

The stress this is causing is unreal.....I won't get started on that. Thing is, she knows I couldn't live with myself if I kicked her out and I cannot force her to give us money.

It's all too much right now.

[taff]

Nope. I had to give half my money to my mother when I was earning 40 quid a week in the school holidays. I didn't like it, but I did it.
Write down all your outgoings[inc car insurance etc] and split it by four and show her how much her quarter costs.

[zazen999]

Nope. I had to give half my money to my mother when I was earning 40 quid a week in the school holidays. I didn't like it, but I did it.
Write down all your outgoings[inc car insurance etc] and split it by four and show her how much her quarter costs.

This.

Saved me typing it.

[julesapple]

We have shown her. Thankfully, she can't drive the car so we don't have to pay that too.

Today I bought a lip gloss from the 99p shop. I was told I had no right to be extravagant. And over the past few weeks I've listed all of my clothes on Ebay as I can't move much. A lot are Joules and other very good labels. I had to buy new clothes (from ebay) as I've lost a lot of weight. Now, according to DD, I should have used that money to buy food and pay bills - I had no right to spend it on myself.

Where did I go wrong? My boys don't have attitude.

[zazen999]

Sorry Jules - but I'd have lost it with her as well with that attitude.

Spend the next £20 on getting a new front door lock and only 3 sets of keys?

[julesapple]

I have lost it, over & over. Rightly, or wrongly, I would have clouted her round the ear but I can't stand up even to reach her diminutive height. And, rightly or wrongly I got her BF on my side too.....put the poor boy properly on the spot and I felt awful doing it.

I've never favoured any of my four children, they've all been treated the same and brought up the same way. I've come to the conclusion that there comes a time when mother and daughter cannot exist under the same roof peacefully, they each need their own space.

[cardiffsteve]

Thankfully, she can't drive the car so we don't have to pay that too.
.

But I bet she expects you to drive her places, which costs you money.

[zazen999]

I've come to the conclusion that there comes a time when mother and daughter cannot exist under the same roof peacefully, they each need their own space.

Well, sit her down and tell her that if she doesn't pay her way, she needs to find her own space by the end of next month. It's her decision. £30 a week at aged 22 - is a flippin' bargain.

[cardiffsteve]

I'll come live with you for £30 a week, maybe even £35.
And I'll help with the garden but you'll have to tell me what to do coz I ain't got a clue.

[rustylady]

Well, sit her down and tell her that if she doesn't pay her way, she needs to find her own space by the end of next month. It's her decision. £30 a week at aged 22 - is a flippin' bargain.

Definitely. She really needs to grow up and start treating you and her dad with some respect.

[areia]

my mum found a bedsit for my brother paid first month and deposit and moved all his stuff in gave him the keys and said there you go, learn real life

not saying you could afford this but she needs a wake up call thats for sure it seems

[julesapple]

That's ok Steve, we can be clueless together! You wouldn't have to do any jobs around the house for £30 a week......madam doesn't. It's like a very good hotel, without the bill, here.

I would suggest a swap but in her present mood, I wouldn't wish her on Wales!!

Her Dad said that to her this afternoon - go and doss at your wealthy mates' houses (her friends are fully paid up account holders at the Bank of Mum & Dad, their parents are not cruel and heartless scroungers) Or find yourself a flat for £30 a week.....there are lots of them...not.

I never, ever, thought I'd say such a thing, but I'd be relieved if she did move out. I might regain a little sanity.

[zazen999]

Jules, I'm hovering on the edge of flying down there in the van, bundling all her stuff in it for you and changing the lock myself for you!