Am I Being Fair?

[lottie dolly]

gee wizz jules,first a big (((((((hug))))))),boys can be the same,does not matter what they taught,you can only explain so much,so many times,no good me saying,don't let it get to you,because it does,no matter how old they are you still feel that sence of responsibility,i only had boys,but got granddaughters,i is a nightmare.
You have to take charge of the situation,yes,it's NOT an easy ride,firstly it's your home,it's you and BH that are in charge of it,and answerable for what goes on in it,she IS 22,you have explained the situation of you all to her,unless she has a medical need for an eye to be kept on her,then do not feel guilty at giving her notice,or her to tow the line,would it be a good idea to write things down in a letter and give her,saying in it you have reached the end of your tether with her and her selfish attitude,that you
feel you cannot talk to her anymore,finishing with the alternatives,if she NOT wish to talk any sence,or another family member she WILL listen to,have a word with your DR,?,will send you a PM later,I have the dinner to get just now,

[lottie dolly]

Jules, I'm hovering on the edge of flying down there in the van, bundling all her stuff in it for you and changing the lock myself for you!

call for me on the way,have had some experience lol

[Jax]

Big Hugs Jules. I wish I had some experience in this to offer. I moved out of home when I was 16 (Im only 3 years older than your DD) but everyone I know of has had to pay housekeeping once they left school or turned 18. You are not being unfair, she is. It will come a time when its too much and she will have to accept and or go. It is not good for you and your BH to be under such stress x

[Pa Snips]

At 22 years of age she is technically an adult and has been for a few years, yet it sounds as though she's behaving like a petulant child. You would actually be doing her a favour in the long-term by sending her out into the big scary world and making her fend for herself, though I understand that you would feel guilty for kicking her a$$ out into the street so how's this for a compromise...you tell her that all members of the household (I gather there are four currently living there) have to pay an equal share of everything, so she would have to pay one quarter of the gas and electric bills, council tax, rent/mortgage, food etc and everyone will be responsible for buying their own clothes, or alternatively, she can elect out by moving out. You can't get much more fair than that! You could even tell her that women have died fighting for equal rights and that you want to ensure they didn't die in vain, hence why you must insist on her having her piece of the equality.

[Matt94]

hi jules - unfortunately im in the similar situation as you daughter, i too have to go on job seekers

(did a 2 year college course in plumbing, had a 2 week trial with a company, half way through the boss went to loads of meetings, i later found out that those meetings where for the renewal of an important contract - guess what.. he got out bid by another company, and had to let me go - yep 1 week in! )

anyway as i was saying im in a similar situation to your daughter, the only differance being that i suggested to my mum that i give her some of it(£25), my parents have brought me up for 18 years, paying for my cloth's, food (and i eat alot ) and transport costs for college, which were not cheap,(and obviously alot more thing too ) so its only fare that i give something back - even though its only a small amount!

[marchogaeth]

Jules, I'm hovering on the edge of flying down there in the van, bundling all her stuff in it for you and changing the lock myself for you!

Well ditto.
Obviously you know your daughter best but I do sort of wonder where all her anger is coming from. Is she terrified of something? Her dad is already ill and then you are injured maybe she is very bad at expressing her fears and it comes out as these major (very immature, I admit) demands for attention.

(Feel free to tell the computer I'm talking b**l***s. It's just I taught a 10 year old once who had a very similar attitude and it was fear of losing bothe mum and dad.)

Any way all the best. Like all the others, I paid my 50% from the time I went to uni, whenever I was at home. My two (17 and 18) get £55/month allowance and they buy almost everything except their school uniform and more expensive equipment eg sheet music/art materials out of that. (I do pay for driving lessons.) It probably won't help you to know this either!! (())

[Two_Sheds]

Am I being fair in asking my daughter for money towards her upkeep? ... She thinks we are being unfair and that she should only pay £15 per week and we should subsidise her for everything else.

She could maybe get a job if she wants more money? Or perhaps look for somewhere else to live? (see, I'm harder than you are )

Or earns her keep by doing chores?

I think it would depend (to me) on what she was spending her money on, and her day doing. If she was just buying drink and watching Jeremy Kyle all day, then yes, tax her.
If she's being productive and trying her very best, I'd probably take the money off her and invest it (for her to have when she flies the nest).

[veggiechicken]

Matt, you're a really good example of how youngsters should behave - perhaps you should have a word with Jules's daughter!
I have no kids, so have no experience of anyone bumming off me. I paid my parents half, as soon as I started work, left home for a flat when I was 20 and emigrated to Oz at 22 with a £100 in my pocket. I actually find it hard to understand why children do not want their independence. I guess that when life is easy and you can have everything without putting your hand in your pocket there's little incentive to leave.
I'm sorry you're having all this hassle, on top of your accident and everything else. I'm with the ones who would say Shape up or Ship out!

[Matt94]

She could maybe get a job if she wants more money?

Hmmm... Easier said than done!!!

[Two_Sheds]

Yeah, I know ~ she still shouldn't take the pee at home though.


Mr Cameron is talking about removing benefit from youngsters anyway, ie those who've never paid into "the system". So then JulesApple wouldn't get anything out of her daughter.

[julesapple]

This advice is all to the good. Pa's is just fabulous!

She has stopped screaming & shouting and come downstairs, being very conciliatory and polite. The stunning news is that she has announced that she has advertised her Harris Hawk and his equipment for sale. We pointed out to her, when she first got him, that he was a 24/7 commitment - and she has announced that she cannot commit to him when she gets a job and she's selling him!

Utterly gobsmacked. I think the BF has bearing on this. He works full time, doesn't earn a lot, but has a real 'thing' about paying his way. He still lives at home too. I'm sure he must've said something because she sure doesn't listen to us.

[zazen999]

Jules - next time she screams and shouts just do not respond. If she is tantruming dish up some heinz baby food. Just ignore her until she starts acting like a 22 yr old.

I'd left home 5 years when I was 22. If I spoke to my mother in that way it would have been earlier.

[Glutton4...]

Nope. I had to give half my money to my mother when I was earning 40 quid a week in the school holidays. I didn't like it, but I did it...

Ditto! I have a friend who is having the exact same problem with her Daughter. Jumped up little madam thinks she's royalty, and it's actually her Mum's fault for waiting on her hand and foot for the last 21 years, but she does know this. Her Daughter will have to stand on her own feet one day, and the longer it takes, the harder it will be. Writing down how much everything costs is a great idea. Check with her friends and their parents, to see what they all pay, too.

[julesapple]

I got very stressed this afternoon, and shouting commenced. However, I tend to get a bit wordy when shouting and my vocabulary improves (as it does when drunk) I would like to have stood over her whilst shouting but getting up (and staying up) is challenging at present. Shouting caused immense pain too. I think I may have redeemed myself by just not listening to her 'reasoning' and steam rolling her in a very loquacious manner. Her father got very cross and very, very, loud and was not moved by her tears (we're all out of sympathy) and I think we will both be on the loopy pills at bedtime.

The guilt trips used to work a treat......but now I cannot be arrised.

[Glutton4...]

Tough love, Jules. Cruel to be kind, an' all that!