Am I Being Fair?

[Alison]

Unfortunatley I know a lot of parents that don't take any money from their adult children, OH's cousins are in their late 20s and I don't think have ever paid anything in so any money they do earn is purely pocket money for whatever they want. They're not mean or selfish but it's never occured to them to contribute and have been bought everything they need, all their lives. Not saying that this is true of the original poster but it may be for some of her friends so perhaps that's why she is so indignant. No excuse though, you should always pay your way to the best of your ability. Not to do this is quite frankly rude, forgivable if you muck in and do jobs as payment but to do nothing and pay nothing is totally unreasonable. You defintely need to state the rules and stick to them.

[Tripmeup]

Hey Jules...firstly I cannot believe she is being like this when you are in so much pain at the moment..
What about telling her that she needs to start contributing on the other side also.. for example, you tell her she needs to make dinner so many times a week, do so much ironing and washing and whatever else....
See how that changes her attitude...???

[taff]

We have shown her. Thankfully, she can't drive the car so we don't have to pay that too....

She may not be driving it, but you're driving her around , so it counts...

[Feral007]

It is hard. I have one living out of home now, and one still here. The one who was busting to move out came home for a couple of months, a bit down and all. Ended up staying here for a couple of months and then started picking about thiings. We'd had conversations, quietly and loudy, but nothing helped. So eventually I just sat down on the edge of his bed and said. 'You can't just stay here forever. You need to get a job, (or go on benefits), get somewhere to live, see your friends and have a life.' He started saying No I don't have to. 'You do. I'm giving you 2 weeks notice, so you'll have to be out by the date of two weeks'
He didn't do anything until day 14, then packed his gear and his brother dropped him at a mates. He had a job in a week, moved in with the mate. Went for coffee with him the other day and he said 'So how's the bills going mum............' Gotta laugh he'd never have considered a bill let alone asked about them 6 months ago!
His brother does stuff around the house to earn his board and food. I give him money for petrol now and again, but also make him go pick up his sister from the movies etc when I don't want to do it.
It's harder when they work at home cos you have to keep at them and they always feel like you should be making their life easier.

I do agree with Machagoeth (sp?) that your daughter might be scared of something tho. I know that mine behave shockingly when they are scared. A friend's daughter used to fight and be very mean to her mother, daughter and I were chatting one day about school and work and what to do when she left school and she was terrified of being in charge of work/flat/bills etc. She just wouldn't say so to her mother, and the stress was making her a pretty nasty girl at times.

I know it's hard but can you sit down with her (and maybe her bf since he's such a good influence) and say 'Look we can't keep you all the time like this, it's making us all unhappy - her included. So let's look at what we can do about it.' And just brainstorm with her about options. Hers may not be very useful, but she might come up with a couple of things that would help, and if she thought of them she'll be more inclined to do them.

[Patchninja]

I feel for you. It's a very difficult and trying situation. I have nothing better than what's already been said to add. Chin up!

[Two_Sheds]

it's actually her Mum's fault for waiting on her hand and foot for the last 21 years

(some) Mums do this (not to say that you did, Jules). They think it's love to do everything for their children, but they aren't actually doing them any favours at all.
It's a parent's job to produce independent, confident adults: that means training them from an early age to muck in, to take responsibilities and to think and provide for themselves in some way: if you want an iPad, you save up for it from pocket money, earn it through chores, or wait for your birthday: you don't get it just because you want one this week.

Our friends are STILL driving their son to his work, even though it's only a mile away and would be easily cyclable (it's all on bike lane). He considers cycling to be beneath him (as does his dad, tbh). So now our days out are curtailed because the whole family has to go home in order to drive Manboy to and from his job.

We have children at school who don't know how to put their own coats on, or find an object, or put a toy away ... because Mom does everything for them. It makes me grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

[mrswadders]

call for me on the way,have had some experience lol

just caught up with this - me too, 18 year old son 3 years ago

[zazen999]

I agree that she might well be scared; but for a 22 year old that is not the way to show it.

She should be running round looking after her parents if she isn't working, not giving them this sort of behaviour to deal with.

[julesapple]

TS I get exactly what you're saying. Ours haven't been spoiled, we've never had the resources to spoil them. The DD, being the only girl, has had new stuff when she needs it but the boys, especially the youngest, have had hand-me-downs mostly. Until they all out grew each other anyway - the youngest is the tallest, oldest is much shorter.

Over the years she has demanded new things if her friends have had something new but the answer has always been no. If the friend got something for their birthday then if you want one, wait 'til your birthday or Christmas etc. We've only ever bought them small cheap things between gift giving occasions - the little surprises or things to cheer them up - but when one got they all got. They know we don't have tons of cash.

I remember once, a friend of DD's telling her about designer label jeans she'd been bought; 'My mum always buys designer labels so people knows she loves me' to which the DD replied 'Can't she love you in normal clothes?'

I'm not sure she's scared of anything. She's very confident and not backwards in saying anything. I do think she's frustrated though - she wants to be in a good job, with her own place, her independence. The recession has made those dreams virtually impossible - even if she gets a job she won't get a mortgage and rents are becoming prohibitive. She knows that the BH and I were married and independent by 17 and 21. I think she expected the same thing, instead she has £21,000 debt from her Uni loans and no job yet. Last week she had a great interview at Bristol Zoo but they chose someone with a lot more experience. She was gutted, those jobs don't come around often.

Today, she's cleaning out the chook house and louse-powdering the girls. She doesn't know this yet though. I have to really lean on her to do anything - she doesn't even do her turn at the dishwasher stacking unless we nag - unlike the boys (very easy going & chilled) who do most things you ask them to with good grace. Oddly, she will spend days helping non-family with any jobs however unpleasant or arduous.

[kathycam]

I think the shouting and screaming isn't helping. It needs to be talked about calmly. Obviously by 22 someone should either be moved out or at least paying their own way. By 22 (almost 10 years ago) I was paying rent and bills, and I was living on benefits on the time, surviving on peanut butter sandwiches.

My suggestion would be to get your request formalised in writing. Maybe the black and white will hit home and make her see your point. I also would give her at least a months notice until she needs to start paying. Hopefully her boyfriend will read it with her and see it makes sense. Maybe also write out how you have to spend your money and how she gets to spend hers. You could also state when you orginally requested her to pay rent and what the reasons were.

The letter should also say what consequences she would face if she doesn't start to pay out. I would say either moving out or losing her right to be treated like a grown up. Suggestions for this would be 8pm bedtime, not allowed out unless with a grown up or brother. No make up etc. I know would be hard to enforce, but try.

£30 for everything you provide is very reasonable. I would also get it in writing what jobs she is responsible for doing around the house. I know it might seem over the top writing a letter, but sometimes in might help it hit home. Also give her time to sit down and calmly talk over the letter. If it turns into a shouting match, stop it and carry on once calmed down.

Hope this helps.

[quark1]

Jules you are not being unfair.

I would suggest the following.....with her agreement as she doesn't want to pay 'owt

You cease to provide anything for your daughter other than a place to stay.

She pays for all food, toiletries, clothing, laundry (might be a new experience taking stuff to lauderette and waiting (wasting good drinking time) for it to process) transport (£4.40 for a return trip or all-day bus journey in my area), entertainment (beers, ciggies, cinema, clubbing) from her JSA. I would also suggest that she be requested to ask if OK to have a bath/shower, use kettle etc before spending the 'unseen' cash users.

You'll have to be really tough here and not give in - even if she's running late for something or its raining cats and dogs. There will be further rows I'm sure - but if she can find anything cheaper than what is an almost totally unreasonably a 'Cheap Requirement' for housekeep - then let her go and find the alternative - and of course inform us of cheaper way of life - we'd all love to save some cash in these straightened times!

Reality will have her back and begging to pay the £30.

I've been through it with my own son as I'm sure others have here - but there comes a time when they have to grow up and learn the harsh realities and financial consequences of life. Perhaps a few home truths re parasitical behaviour might strike home - because quite frankly that is exactly what it is - no matter how much you love them. And what if her not paying meant that over time you became so indebted that you lost your home - she'd be a very unhappy lass then - along with the rest of the family which seems to be paying its way to the best of its ability.

Time for a bit of tough love.

[OverWyreGrower]

Also - is there a way of finding out (easily!) how much renting a v. cheap flat in the area would be - rent, utilities, tv licence, groceries etc?

That might also shock her - and make her realise that she is getting it cheap by paying £30!

(I moved out at 18, got my first place at 19 - what a shock that was!!)

[di]

Sorry that you're going through such poo right now Jules. xx

I have no pearls of wisdom, but in answer to your initial question...you're not being unfair at all. At 22, your daughter is an adult and it's time she realised that. As a teen, I gave my parents more grief than I'm proud to admit. I moved out at nineteen and my attitude changed almost overnight.

I know times have changed and it's not so easy for them to move out but she needs to wake up and accept she is another adult in your home and start contributing, both financially and physically.

Wish you all the best hun. xxx

[di]

I said I have no pearls of wisdom, however...

On the excpecting her to act like an adult bit...have you tried involving her in the running of the house, ie, working out the monthly budget, planning for meals etc?

[julesapple]

Okay....she's transferred £45 to our bank account this morning. She's cleaned out the chookhouse, done the girls with diatomaceous, and her Dad has taken her to buy groceries. She'll have to help him as he's unstable on his pins, and she'll get a good look at prices.

They've also got some bills to pay - water rates etc. That should open her eyes a wee bit.