The World Gone Mad

[Peter]

Now our great freedom loving government is now talking of DNA testing for droping litter. What next farting in public??

Hadn't you heard BW, that nice Mr Milliband has proposed a graduated eco-friendly non-governmental non-judgemental citizen friendly approach to such heinous eco-crime.

This is in response to a scientific enquiry chaired by Lord Wonky-Bryne-Strayn which found that 10% of the UK's greenhouse gas emmissions were caused by humans farting.

1/. Only persons who have previously obtained a licence from DEFRA will be authorised to fart in public, they will be charged a licence fee graduated against their annual emmission, by volume, as measured by an anally inserted flow-meter. This fee will start at £2,554.63.

2/. All unlicenced farters in public will be disqualified from future farting in public, made the subject of an ASBO control notice (Anti-Social-Body-Odour), fined £27,456.99 for the first offence and £56,450.33 for each subsequent offence. They will also be fitted with a rectal gas collection device and have to report weekly to their local recycling centre for the collecting bottle to be changed. These centres will be kitted out with equipment from closed down maternity and gynacology hospital departments to allow the 47,543 new fart Inspectors to achieve a higher turn-over in bottle changes.

3/. An new unelected body called the Public Un-licenced Farting Forum, Public Odour, Non-Governmental or PUFF-PONG will be created to administer the new law and Inspection Force at an estimated cost to the public purse of £3.25 billion per annum.

4/. To help PUFF-PONG detect and monitor public farting a new CCTV network will be set up with "Farting Unlicenced Control Kintetic Output Fecal Furtive" sensors. These cameras will be able to detect and automatically zoom in on a fart within a 500m radius, within 1.2234 seconds of its slip-out. To enable a more cost effective approach these cameras will be mounted on 250m high pylons at 1km spacings across the UK, combined with a wind generator installation on the same pylon.

5/. If the new law is successful it is further proposed that the law will be later extended, under ministerial powers without recourse to parliament, to cover all private places as well. To facilitate this all Fart Inspectors will be allowed full entry to private places at all times.

6/. The scheme is to be piloted in Loughborough.

[Hazel at the Hill]

PRESS RELEASE:

'Fart Inspectors will have to pay for their own training for 'accreditation' to the scheme which will cost approximately £5000. The Inspectors will issue an emissions certificate which will be compulsary in time.

The new regulations are due to come into force when there are only approximately 10% Fart Inspectors who are qualified - which will give the authorities a headache, however they are planning to get round the shortage of Fart Inspectors by reducing the scheme to only cover the biggest farters ie those who have 4 farts or more a day.

A certificate will be issued to be paid for by the farter who will then be aware of his/her emission 'rating' which 'they will welcome this scheme as it clearly will reduce emissions' said the Minister for Farting, but she did not explain how this will happen.

Industry bodies are concerned that farters who have 4 farts or more will simply reclassify their farts as 'breaking wind' or as a 'botty burp' to avoid having to have an emission certificate. It has also been pointed out that if the scheme does not proceed, trained Fart Inspectors will be out of a job, and out of pocket. There are no plans to reimburse them.

A govenment spokesman denied that the scheme was either a job creation scheme, an infringement on civil liberties or a further stealth tax.'

You read it here first!

[bubblewrap]

I will question this new idea as "holding on" to wind could cause me to explode & cause untold damage to those around me as Mr creosote did in Monty Python's meaning of life.I would sooner do it in unison as in blazing Saddles.

[Hazel at the Hill]

Will you be able to offest your farting emissions and trade your farting allowance?

[Flummery]

If this ever happens, some of us veggies are going to be in real Schtuck!