Complicated Situation

[FB.]

I’ll list some bullet points to explain the complex problem.

1. My wife’s parents are relatively old as far as new grandparents go (late-60s).
2. Their health – both of them - has had a few wobbles in the last several years.
3. My wife’s brother lives with their parents due to him having serious health problems too.
4. Only my wife’s father drives a car.
5. They live in a relatively isolated village an hour away from us - and two hours away from any other relatives. We are the only realistic help they have if there is a problem.

On two occasions in the last several years my wife temporarily (a week or two each time) moved back into her old ‘box room’ of a bedroom to stay with them and help them through a couple of her father’s serious illnesses (they had serious difficulties when he was medically unfit to drive).

On a handful of other occasions my wife has stayed-over for a couple of nights to help them or her brother out.

But we now have a young baby who keeps us very busy and we would like to try for another within a year or two.

But if my wife’s parents or brother have another ‘bad turn’, I worry that we’ll be expected to pick up the pieces while we’re trying to raise a young family of our own.
Worse still: my wife would probably have to move back into her box room for a week or two and leave me with one or more young children. There isn't room for both of us to move in; not even for a young child to go with her.

Before our baby was conceived we considered moving house to be closer so we could raise a family and support my wife’s ailing family. But we concluded that virtually everything about our current location was superior to where her parents live (and my wife didn't enjoy growing up in the isolated village where her parents still live).
However, my wife’s parents don’t seem keen on moving house to be closer, even if we offer to help out physically (clearing junk, moving their stuff in our 'van') and financially (my wife adding money to the pot to boost their housebuying budget) – probably because they’ve got quite used to us being able to dash over and help out.

But I don't think we'll be able to help them as much in future.
They certainly weren't able to offer us much help (three one-hour visits) during my wife's pregnancy or for the week she was kept in the busy/noisy/crowded/stressful hospital maternity unit afterwards (for observation; some strange readings but my wife didn't feel ill).
But I have a feeling they expect to get the past generous levels of help from us if they cry out.

Any ideas on what we should do?

[Bill HH]

I am in a similar situation except that my wife and I are the grand parents and we both have health problems. My daughter had her baby 13th Dec and is still on maternity leave. We both realise she has enough to do without worrying about us.

You have to get your priorities right and that is to your child and future children. It is unrealistic of them to expect the same level of help as you have so generously given in the past. If they were that concerned about needing help then they should move closer to you. Certainly not expect you to move nearer to them.

You need to make this clear to them in the nicest possible way.

[bearded bloke]

Explain that ^^ to the other relatives & ask if they can/will even the load.

[Bigmallly]

Is there no external support available via Social Services or GP.

[FB.]

You have to get your priorities right and that is to your child and future children.

Thanks for the reply, Bill.

Your point is a good one: my wife's parents and brother are adults capable of making decisions for themselves. We can't make any decisions for them.
But our baby needs us to take care of him, make decisions for him and get his life onto the best possible track. He must come first.

But I fear that when (yes; when, not if) her parents have another crisis it will leave my wife in a very difficult situation. She'll feel awful at 'abandoning her needy old mum and dad' but awful at having to drop her child(ren) and run to help.
I'm not impressed at the idea that one day our children might feel as if they repeatedly come second place to nanny and granddad.
I think it has potential to ruin the development of a child, if the child feels they have to compete with nanny and granddad for attention and that nanny and granddad usually come first (i.e. drop everything and run when the phone rings)

Actually, I even think my wife's brother is resentful of us having a baby because his illness no longer puts him at the centre of attention; the baby gets a lot of attention that he used to get, and although while my wife was pregnant he was happy and chatty as he always had been, since the baby was born he suddenly refuses to have anything to do with our baby has been shocking rude in recent weeks. (After yet another occurrence of shocking, malicious rudeness at our house on Sunday I told my wife in private that if he speaks like that again I will give him a string of expletives and throw him out).

[FB.]

Is there no external support available via Social Services or GP.

My wife's parents aren't ill enough. They tend to have short-term serious things which come and go randomly and are then fine again after a few weeks. They don't need care 95% of the time; just a few days per year.

Her brother has carers visit daily, but sometimes they don't manage to arrive (due to them being off sick, heavy traffic, bad weather/snow/flooding blocking the village entrances).

A big problem is that my wife's brother cannot be left on his own and need to take a lot of kit with him if he goes out anywhere (which takes time to get ready).
So if my wife's father gets ill and goes into hospital, my wife's mother would have to stay at home with my wife's brother - and she doesn't drive so we would have to turn up an hour later to pick her and my wife's brother up to take to the hospital.

If her father gets ill again, when the phone rings one of us will have to meet her father at the hospital while the other packs all the baby stuff into our people carrier and goes to collect her mother and brother and his travelling kit to journey to the hospital.

[Patchninja]

Well, you know, that's partly what being a family is all about! The only serious way to get out of all that is to emigrate like us French grapes......no, on a more serious note, I do understand your dilemma. But, as had been said, they're adults. You can explain that if they want you and your wife to be available, then they'll need to move closer. As your baby grows, then you'll have lots of other comittments - there's swimming, judo, football..... it never stops until they leave home. And, your wife will feel wretched if she can't help. But on the other hand, can you really expect them to up sticks and leave the village they've lived in all these years? I think it's a no-win situation. I think the person who is going to suffer the most is your wife. If she does have to go and hep them, then I don't for a minute think that can possiby damage your child. He'll learn what a loving and caring mother he has and hat you're all there to support each other and she'll be back in a few days. No need to over-dramatise these things. Children are hugely resilient. As long as one loving parent is there then they're ok.

[roitelet]

Is one of them elegible for Attendance Allowance. Its not a lot and not means tested but it does open lots of other doors to help.

[Nicos]

Personally, I would suggest you sit down with her parents and discuss your concerns and ask them to think about an alternative back up plan.
I'm sure they will understand your dilemma and not be selfish.

What would happen if you were away on holiday...or in hospital yourself?
Everyone needs a Plan B

[FB.]

What would happen if you were away on holiday...or in hospital yourself?

My wife has been advised that after the peculiarities of this birth, she would be strongly recommended to have a caesarean for all future pregnancies (she had a caesarean this time, with all the limitations in what she could do and being forbidden to drive for six weeks). Regardless, she still wants at least one more baby (as do I) - mother nature permitting.
So any time we have another baby, my wife will be in hospital for a few days post-caesarean, and will have to take things very easy for six weeks, during which I'll be the only one doing any driving.

Agreed they need a plan B.

[chris]

I'm not saying it's right, but there's always the [I"]excuse"[/I] of your wife feeding your baby (unless they know otherwise?). Feeding/tending to etc.

Being parents themselves though- I have no doubt they'd understand.

[Hazel at the Hill]

So the issue is how to square the circle of the fact that now that the baby is (obviously) your wife's priority, her parents are no longer so. Her parents (especially her mum) will quite understand this and that she can no longer 'drop everything' - although perhaps not so her brother, who now resents that his sister is not 'on tap' for helping out.

I agree that you all need to have a plan for if your father in law has one of his occasional bouts of illness - discussing the issue as a family with input from Age Concern and/or the social services office where her parents live will give you a better idea of what help would or could 'kick in' if your father in law was taken ill in terms of practical help, especially if your in-laws are your brother-in-law's carers, which may well set all minds at rest.

Bear in mind that any/all practical help can be bought (cleaning/cooking/shopping/carers/taxi services); quality time with your wife's aging parents cannot. So if the practical things which your wife feels that she may be called on to undertake (as she has in the past) can be farmed out, it would mean that your joint visits back to her parents' home with baby James can be an enjoyable family occasion rather than a mad bout of firefighting trying to do all the domestic organisation and 'duty'.

[Kirk]

May be at odds with some suggestions but I would not talk them into, or suggest, moving closer to you. That could easily mean your wife is close at hand to be called on all times of night and day, and being closer can easily mean more difficulty in saying No.

The "arguement" from them being you suggested they move closer so you had less problems doing whatever they want/need.

[Glutton4...]

I wish you the best of luck! All families are strange, in one way or another, and whilst it's a shame that your Wife's brother is feeling jealous, it is understandable if he's used to taking centre-stage. However, he is an adult, and will have to get over it.

The more you continue to do, the more you will be expected to do, and the longer you put off the inevitable, the harder it will be. I would suggest just letting things slide a bit at first; fewer, less frequent visits, for example, and cut them short so you just 'pop in' rather than a proper visit. Make sure you tell them that you can't stay, but you hope they're ok and you're sorry you no longer have as much time as you used to.

They have to appreciate that you have other priorities now that you've started a family.

I'm having very minor family 'issues' nowadays, and am beginning to appreciate why my Sister moved abroad...

[noviceveggrower]

Hi, I can see and relate to you and the situation you are in.
My mom to run around like a headless chicken after my nan when my granddad died. I'm not sure on your family situation but my mom had 3 brothers who did bu@@er all. In the end my nan moved nearer, nearer then finally moved in with us.
My nan developed dementia and my mom wouldn't ask for help. In the end I hate to admit it I began to resent her especially when she burnt my work stuff with an iron, for got to pass party messages on and would go wandering during the night.
You could do with asking for help from GPs, Social services and everyone you can think of.
You have a new very important member of the family that you've waited for and by what I've read you and your wife have had a tough time. You need to spend time together as a family and your priorities have changed now. You will only get to see that first smile, giggle, walk etc the once.
By the sound of it your wife's family seem to be compus mentis. You could do with sitting down and saying to them how you feel and how things are. Point out that your priorities have changed and that you know that they will need help and support but you are or have looked into it.
Don't suggest they move closer or you move closer. As Kirk says you, your wife and family will be on call 24/7. They might not realise that they are being like this but don't start something that they become to depend on.
I know some people out there will be thinking heartless cow but I have been there, done it, cleared it up and got very annoyed at the situation. I also saw what a rift it caused between my mom and dad.
So please go and badger everyone you can possibly think of for help and support for them. Ask at Help the Aged or ask at the Citizens Advice and see if they can recommend people or groups for you.