Complicated Situation

[FROSTYFRECKLE]

Families eh? The current situation for you and your wife is not sustainable. Worse case scenario is FIL either passes away or has licence revoked. You and your wife will be left to deal with a MIL and BIL who are now stuck in an isolated cottage with no transport. Not a situation I would like to deal with. I'm with G4 start to limit visits etc

[FB.]

her brother, who now resents that his sister is not 'on tap' for helping out.

I think a the bigger problem with my wife's brother is that it's not so much the lack of attention from my wife, but that he resents the baby drawing my mother-in-law's 24/7/365 attention away from him.
My wife just told me that her brother has also been grumpy in the past when my wife took her mother out for lunch or shopping.
It seems to be the case that my wife's brother doesn't want to share my mother-in-law with anyone else.

The main concern is how we could cope with clearing up the mess at the in-laws end, when something goes wrong, with one or more very young children in tow.

For example, if we got a call at 2am tomorrow morning saying that my wife's father had been taken ill and had to go to hospital (which has happened two or three times in the last several years).
But it would take the mother-in-law far too long to get the brother-in-law's stuff sorted out to take with them in the ambulance. So they'd have to let the ambulance go without them - and not having a car she'd have to wait an hour or more for me or my wife to turn up (a taxi driver would not want the legal liability of getting brother-in-law into the car - and brother-in-law is almost always sick when travelling by car).
Then it'd be three-quarter-of-an-hour for us to take mother-in-law to the A&E department to catch up with father-in-law. The other one of us having scooped-up and loaded any kids into our other car as quickly as possible and made a dash to the A&E in order to try to meet father-in-law.
Even if the mother-in-law had a car she might not have the physical strength to assist my brother-in-law getting into and out of the car.
Brother-in-law cannot be left on his own.

It's a mess - or at least it will be one day, probably soon.

[Hazel at the Hill]

What would happen if you were away from home in this situation? You cannot be on the end of the phone just waiting for this eventuality, in some sort of stasis.

In the situation that you describe, you would have a designated person to sit the your brother-in-law and then your mother in law would get a taxi to be with her husband. The brother-sitter could be a family friend, neighbour or emergency cover from a care agency.

If you brother in law is in such a condition that he cannot be left on his own (do you mean left alone at all? Can your parents in law not go out ever together without him?), I'm sure that he will have some sort of care or social worker even if it is to organise occasional respite care for your parents in law. If he hasn't, that situation needs to be remedied by talking to his GP to get the ball rolling.

Please talk to Age UK - they deal with these sort of situations all the time - it will be a relief for your wife and her family to be reassured that their situation is not unique and all eventualities can be coped with given a bit of head scratching and planning.

[FB.]

(do you mean left alone at all? Can your parents in law not go out ever together without him?)

Correct.

They go out for a meal a few times per year; myself and my wife take their place as we have at least half an idea of how to 'manage' him and my wife's parents are on the end of a phone if we need them.

The parents-in-law haven't been on holiday for probably fifteen years. Probably not even a whole day out. If they were closer to us we would be delighted to 'babysit' so they could have more time out and have fun in their retirement.

He has an extremely bad case of a Multiple-Sclerosis-like illness but the numerous complications make his management difficult for anyone who doesn't know him well. The MS-like illness causes many bizarre and unexpected knock-on effects. Probably every other night my parents-in-law have to get up in the early hours to nip a problem in the bud so he doesn't end up in A&E by morning.

When he's been in hospital for one reason or another his (my wife's) parents try to do most of the caring because it's very easy for well-meaning (and indeed well-qualified) hospital staff to destabilise his very finely balanced medical conditions - and once his condition is destabilised he plummets rapidly.
If he spent too much time with carers, or in a 'home' or in hospital, I think he would die within a few weeks because his situation is so delicate and unstable and prone to spiral rapidly out of control.
Only my wife's parents have the years of unique-to-his-needs experience which keep him alive. Indeed, he is very lucky to be alive; one slip-up and he will die.

I doubt that any friends or neighbours would be comfortable looking after my brother-in-law because if you haven't seen what to do and act within moments, he'll spiral out of control.
Besides: my parents-in-law have very few friends, and their neighbours have their own problems to deal with.

[Scarlet]

Perhaps as your in laws are getting old they have to think about what happens to their son if anything happens to either of them. If they are prone to bouts of illness it may be time to get said brother into some sort of care facility.

[Hazel at the Hill]

As your brother-in-law's ill health means that he cannot be risked with anyone other than your parents-in-law, what will happen if/when they cannot look after him?

I ask as this seems to be the nub of your original conundrum - it is not the aging in-laws who are in need of logistical help in the case of an occasional emergency which you and your wife may (or may not be) in a position to down tools and run to the rescue; it is the further consequences are what happens to your brother-in-law if your father-in-law is taken in ill, and furthermore, his future care.

I'm assuming that your wife can manage her brother's condition (as you say you have sat with him previously so your in-laws can have some respite), so would it be true to say that you will be looking to accommodate him permanently with your family and child(ren) in the future?

If not, the issue of only the immediate family being able to care for his needs (and seemingly no-one in the medical profession) needs addressing, and that I would suggest is the problem that needs solving sooner rather than later.

[FB.]

Perhaps as your in laws are getting old they have to think about what happens to their son if anything happens to either of them.

They seem to be the eternal optimists that one day he will recover, so they persevere.

it may be time to get said brother into some sort of care facility.

Agreed, except that he is so unstable and has so many different complications that I doubt he'd survive long without the in-laws care (and I think the in-laws know that too).


I (we) had half-expected one day that my brother-in-law would end up living in our house and we'd care for him along with our children - we have sketches prepared for a substantial extension which will give us an additional 300sq.ft (30sq.m).
But his recent shocking rudeness have changed my opinion; no way would I tolerate him with the way he has changed since the baby arrived.

[FB.]

what will happen if/when they cannot look after him?

Hi Hazel.

Your post crossed with my 07:21pm posting to Scarlet.
I had expected that we would one day do our best to care for my brother-in-law under our roof.
But because he seems jealous/hostile towards our baby at the moment I would worry about what might happen in the future.

[mothhawk]

Perhaps as your in laws are getting old they have to think about what happens to their son if anything happens to either of them. If they are prone to bouts of illness it may be time to get said brother into some sort of care facility.

Exactly what I was going to say, Scarlet. Who is going to care for your BiL when his parents are too old? You say they are in their late 60's - how old is BiL?
Does your wife have any other siblings? If so, it sounds like it's time the family situation was discussed with them, responsibilities shouldered equally around, and plans made for a permanent solution.
You have not mentioned how your wife feels about all this. They are, after all, her close relatives. Is she as resentful of their demands?

[mothhawk]

Hi Hazel.

I had expected that we would one day do our best to care for my brother-in-law under our roof...

Forgive me, but to me that seems a really bad idea. It will place you in virtually the same position as your in-laws are finding themselves at present. IMO your child and hopefully children come first, they are your immediate family and will be dependent on your care and love for the next 18 years or so.

BiL is an adult. If your wife and her parents have learned how to care for him, then so can others, paid or NHS.

If you don't live your own lives now, when will you?

[Scarlet]

Having your own children really change everything, they come first. It's surprising how much time they need. Babies are hard work with sleepless nights etc but when they start school you are really tied to school runs, clubs, tea times, bedtimes etc. Yes, some people fit other things in as well but the brother in law sounds like full time.
He is probably being rude as he realises that the arrival of little James will change things.
If you reduce visiting them over the next few months they will no doubt realise that your wife has her own life and her own responsibilities. Life is hard. Good luck!

[Greenleaves]

Have you tried talking to your GP? We had an issue with an elderly relative and it was begining to cause all kinds of stress for us.

He was fantastic, put us in contact with the right people and we all work together to find a solution.

We found that loving was drifting towards loathing, so we had to act.

[FB.]

- how old is BiL?

Early to mid-30s. My wife is mid-30s. I am several years older (I am old enough to be a grand-dad; indeed my sister has four grand-children).

Does your wife have any other siblings?

No - and to add complexity, my wife's father is an only child and my wife's mother has only two sisters - one about 2-3 hours away with her own family problems, and one 3-4 hours away when she's not in Australia seeing her children/grand-children who emigrated.

You have not mentioned how your wife feels about all this.

I think it's fair to say that my wife doesn't know what to do and has been kind-of delaying the inevitable judgement day for a couple of years. But this topic is giving us plenty of ideas.

[Glutton4...]

So, having read all the additional posts since my first comment. Can we assume that your Bro in law is mentally normal? I don't wish to pry, or sound rude, and I appreciate that he has serious medical conditions, but is there a chance that he plays on his condition, to keep his Mother at his beck and call, or am I reading more in to it than is actually there?

Sorry if that sounds heartless, it isn't meant to.

[SammieB]

I agree with most of the advice given but it sounds to me as though your PIL have it tough enough as it is, to reduce visits from their gorgeous new grandchild seems a bit hard on them. Congratulations on the birth of your son FB and I hope you find a solution to your dilema.