Treating my children

[JanieB]

I had a bit of a legacy from a relative earlier this year. I've never had any excess money before and sat on it for several months. I then decided on a bit of catch up spending and treated myself to some new clothes, a new telly, and a new laptop. (I'm having problems with the last two as they aren't exactly plug and play).

I then decided to treat my children and invite them out to a restaurant of their choice. The first one chose a very nice, expensive one in a city. It was really lovely and I enjoyed it enormously. The food was delicious if somewhat sparse.

The next one chose a very nice local pub/restaurant and we had a lovely time with me getting to know his new girlfriend.

I haven't treated my daughter yet and I'm already in trouble. They've all talked to each other and decided that I shouldn't be "wasting" my money like this.

Do they have no conception that as I live on my own most of my meals are cooked by me and eaten on my own, takeaways are on my own, and my very occasional trips to a restaurant are on my own. They are always cheapy trips and just for once (or to be honest 3 times) I wanted to treat my children and myself.

They've now spoilt the pleasure I had in treating them. And caused controversy amongst us. The money was a trivial amount in the scheme of things and I find it difficult to understand their attitudes.

[noviceveggrower]

I'm so sorry to hear you are having this problem JanieB. At the end of the day the money was left to you and you have bought the things you wanted and needed.
Its nice that you have decided to treat your kids too.
I think sometimes money brings the worse out in people. My uncle only turns up when someone has died and is sniffing around to see if he has been left anything. He didn't turn up to his own mothers funeral, my nans, as she had no money left my mom and dad topped up the funeral fund.
I can see why you want to go out with your children. Its a nice offer that you made. Maybe you should have a chat with them and point out that you want some of their company. Not wanting to make you sound a sad lonely person but you should point out how much time you are by yourself and how many things you do by yourself. Point out that you want to spend some time with them and have a nice quality time and not a cheapy rushed time.

[Alison]

I can understand both sides quite easily, they will know that you haven't had much spare cash and therefore probably would rather you spent it on something for your first. I appreciate that you've done this to some extent but they may still feel uncomfortable. What they may well not see is that you'll get pleasure from spending time with them and that it's a treat for you too. It possibly makes your other children a bit embarrassed that they said yes so easily. It may also be possible that meals out aren't really their thing and if they don't do things like that it may well be because they aren't really that fussed about it, in which case it wouldn't be a treat for them. I for example would hate to go to one of those stupidly posh places where they charge an arm an a leg for poncey food but to another person it would be the best treat in the world. We're all different. Try not to get upset about it and explain to them that you want to do it for all your benefits and maybe a trip out somewhere could be another option (am assuming part of the real pleasure is spending time with your loved ones) if they're not keen on the foodie idea.

[Guest]

Don't feel bad. As long as you and they enjoyed it at the time. Just make them aware that it was as much a treat to you as it was for them. Money can make things unnecessarily awkward. My Nan always used to give me money even in my 20s and 30s she used to say it was towards my travel costs and I use to worry that she thought I only visited because of money. You will never win where money is concerned.

[JanieB]

£100 or so is not very much. The legacy so far is in 5 figures. I'm going to build a new kitchen with it and I will still have a nice amount left over.

Noviceveggrower. Are you sure you're not my nephew, your uncle sounds like my brother.

I still buy my clothes at Matalan, I prefer to cook for myself and I love my home. If I won the lottery I wouldn't change my lifestyle or tell anyone about it. In general I'm happy the way I am. I do have a bit of a downer at the moment which probably doesn't help. I went to 2 funerals last week and heard over the weekend that two friends (husband & wife) died last week.

I didn't tell my children about the legacy, it filtered down through the family.

[Alison]

If I won the lottery I wouldn't change my lifestyle or tell anyone about it. In general I'm happy the way I am.

That makes perfect sense, I think I'd find suddenly coming into money an enormous responsibility and find it very difficult to know what to do to be fair to everybody I wanted to share in my good luck.

I do have a bit of a downer at the moment which probably doesn't help. I went to 2 funerals last week and heard over the weekend that two friends (husband & wife) died last week.

Yes, puts things into perspective, sometimes life is really rubbish.

I didn't tell my children about the legacy, it filtered down through the family.

Please don't take this the wrong way as it really isn't meant to be having a go at you, am sure you had good reasons for not sharing. However (and there is always one of those), some of your children / family may feel a bit odd that you didn't want to share your good news (and I appreciate it the terms of it happening may well not have been good, I felt like that when my dad died, would much rather have had him) so are finding it all a bit odd. Am sure you had good reasons but they may not know them or understand. Very difficult to comment much as we're all different and each family does things their own way but I'd be rather hurt if my mum didn't tell me her significant new as I'd feel that she didn't trust me not to take advantage. Things are never easy but, although you are hurt at the moment, if it festers then it will be much worse and I hate to see what are usually communication issues become something too big to bridge.

Anyway, suppose what I'm saying is that although it's not a nice situation don't dwell on it (always makes it worse and so easy to end up doing), just talk to your family and you've got the best chance of sorting it. Even if you can't then you'll know you did what you could.

[Kirk]

I can see both sides, and my nature tends to be as some of them. A nice meal at a pub with son and girlfriend sounds fine, but one picking a very nice expensive one in the city could be considered taking slight advantage of you.

Myself I would have added it to my pot of investments and taken the dividends monthly. That way I get some monthly imcome and I always have the investments which I could sell if needed. No idea how much you have but I find that with the ones I have £12,500 means £50 a month. So £25K = £100 a month each and every month.

Very difficult, seen things like this go each way.

[WendyC]

Thought this was going to be one about headlice! Not making fun of your dilemma. It sounds like you've given them a little treat with something left for you. It's your money do with it as you will.

[Bill HH]

Children can be very trying at times.

My son (A chef, 34yrs old) has left his long standing partner and made himself homeless, he asked if he could sleep on our setee for a while. Of course we agreed. My wife is fighting breast cancer at the moment so it isnt an ideal time, it means exra work for us, he works split shifts and is often asleep in our living room during the afternoon so we have lost our settee. its been two months now and although he is a chef i havent seen him cook so much as a bacon sandwich or place a single plate in the dishwasher. He has the gas fire on all the time. This all came to a head last week when my wife was emptying the dishwasher in the kitchen. He shouted from the settee "For Christ sake SHUT UP"
Now because of my wifes condition she has begged me not to confront him so my hands are tied but i did mention to him that perhaps he would be more comfortable in his other home? "I haven't got another home" he said. "Exactly " Was my reply.

[Lumpy]

Like others I can see both sides as my kids reacted in a similar way. Try explaining to them about the pleasure you get by all being together as a family and that it is your one chance so far to treat ALL of you kidsin a way that has never been possible before. Be proud (like I am sure you are) of your kids thinking of you like this as it really shows how much they love you.

[Hazel at the Hill]

its been two months now and although he is a chef i havent seen him cook so much as a bacon sandwich or place a single plate in the dishwasher. He has the gas fire on all the time. This all came to a head last week when my wife was emptying the dishwasher in the kitchen. He shouted from the settee "For Christ sake SHUT UP"

Sorry to go off topic, but that is absolutely appalling, Bill.

[Feral007]

JanieB, I'm wondering what exactly they are complaining about?

Are they complaining that you bought clothes and TV, as well as the meals? Or just the meals?

Either way it's your money, so your choice. If it's just the meals, then is one complaining because of the expensive meal? And what about the one that has missed their meal! And you missed the pleasure of it? So I'm wondering if it's more of a squabble between them about how much money was spent on the expensive meal, rather than on you spending it? Does that make sense.

If it was me, I'd probably talk quietly with the one you haven't had the pleasure with, and tell her you'd like to go out to dinner with her, because you'd just love to be able to sit and relax over a nice meal and enjoy her company, that you were really looking forward to it, and she would be doing you such a favour to let you enjoy it.

Then I'd tell the other two, that you'd enjoyed the time with each of them so much, that it really made you happy and you wanted to thank them so much for being there for you. And could they please stop ruining it by whinging!

Tell them when you are in a nursing home and they come to pick you up for sunday lunch that it will be up to them to make the decisions, in the meantime, you're still in charge

[FROSTYFRECKLE]

JanieB you should never have to explain yourself to anyone (including your children). (Sorry if I am going to sound blunt) but shrouds do not have pockets. You have treated yourself and your children to some nice meals and are getting a new kitchen plus a wee bit of cash left over. There is no explanation required.