Modern world??

[madderbat]

found this on the net the other day - maybe it rings a few bells?

Modern Day 'Noah'

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many approved carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?""No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it."

[kirsty b]

LOL

Good one Mabberbat!

[pigletwillie]

In a similar vein

AT THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

[valmarg]

Madderbat and Piglet, the items you post would be much funnier if they were not true.

Today's papers are reporting a mass exodus of UK nationals to the antipodes, or anywhere that the EU does not govern.

Sadly OH and I are not rich enough to join the exodus. If we were we would be out of this gun-crime ridden society like a shot. (Pardon the pun).

England is a dreadful place to live.

I would never have believed that I would say that I hate this country, but I do.

We allow the rights of the dross of the world to take precedence over the indiginous law abiding population.

a very sad valmarg

[moggssue]

Valmarg - I'm with you all the way

[Alison]

Valmarg and Moggssue, England is not the terrible place that the media would like us to believe, nor are other place a utopia. There are goods and bad in most societies and to say that this is a terrible place is actually quite insulting to the many kind, generous and hard working individuals that make up society. I find it sad that your experiences have led you to this conclusion and hope that you can open your eyes to the good that is also about and concentrate on that rather than letting your lives be blighted by the bad side of things.

Personally I would never chose to live anywhere else. This is where my friends and family live and most importantly it is my home. Not perfect but still home.

PS - have seem the ark one before, but still funny!

[moggssue]

I do apologise for turning this thread into a bit of a rant. I think I'm suffering a bit of 'culture shock' if I'm honest, moving from coast to city and all that goes with it. I love the jokes by the way!!

[Alison]

Sorry for the rant also, will go outside now and make the most of the sunshine!

[moggssue]

Sunshine??? Can you send some of it down here please, my tomatoes are still not playing the ripening game!!

[Polly Fouracre]

I do believe we have been here before!!Maybe better stop before THE MODERATOR steps in? Or maybe not.
My daughter was looking for a flat for herself and her small son,90% of adverts said,no children(also,no pets,D.S.S.etc)
I remember in London in the 60's seeing ads. for accomodation stating(and absolutely no offence intended)No Blacks,no Queers,no Irish.
Could anyone get away with that these days!!
Can't think now that this is signifigant to the discussion but thought I might throw it in!!!

[pigletwillie]

Who me!!

I love Northern France and would move there tommorow if I could. Its just simple things like the first 15 mins on street parking being free (and between 12-2 for lunch), lots of independent shops and the fact that most of the food is grown in France. As for elf n safety, fortunately common sense seems to be the norm rather than regulations over there.

Also despite being of the social economic model, there are few hand wringing liberals who try to prevent murderers of headmasters being deported to Italy just as an instance, he would be on the first plane out. Thats where we fail as a country, we have no moral spine in our leadership.

Saying that

[valmarg]

The bit that really, really gets me is that in 1997 when bambi and his party came to power, after Dunblain they took the knee jerk reaction of banning guns in the UK. Why is it that you regularly read reports of children being shot and killed, particularly the recent tragic case of Rhys Jones.

If having a gun in the UK is illegal, why is it so many children are ending up dead, having been shot???

Also in the 2012 Olympics there will be quite a lot of shooting events that it will be illegal to hold in this country, thanks to bambi and his load of crap government.

All right, I'm going to have a nap now!!

valmarg

[bubblewrap]

Madderbat and Piglet, the items you post would be much funnier if they were not true.

Today's papers are reporting a mass exodus of UK nationals to the antipodes, or anywhere that the EU does not govern.

Sadly OH and I are not rich enough to join the exodus. If we were we would be out of this gun-crime ridden society like a shot. (Pardon the pun).

England is a dreadful place to live.

I would never have believed that I would say that I hate this country, but I do.

We allow the rights of the dross of the world to take precedence over the indiginous law abiding population.

a very sad valmarg

Love Crete lots of guns(Ex army)around But .............no gun crime.
Ever been to a cretan wedding gun shots in the air (better than fireworks)